In trying to find a purpose for this blog, I wrote this phrase ‘trying to manage myself better’ – as if I was a problem, a danger, an issue that required management. That’s got to impact one’s self-image, if everyone starts talking about how to manage you, right?
The instructions I’ve recently been given are no doubt helpful in making me feel better, but the label (although it has some benefits) is also problematic.
BPD is a ‘personality disorder’, meaning that elements of your personality are also symptoms. impulsiveness, self belief, creativity, a wild imagination, believing you can do anything, believing you can do nothing… being fun, being wild, being funny. All these things are connected. I take weirdly nice examples, but of course there are also: hating yourself, being unable to function, weight gain, chest pains, disociation, muscle tightness, panic attacks, low motivation, disinterest. etc.
But this ‘managing yourself’ idea is weird. it’s all so linked with who i am that i feel like i am bad. i need correcting, as a person, as a character. i need straightening out. And, of course, bipolar people are naughty, offbeat, don’t like being straightened out. want ot be free and wild, so all of this is hard. We are also sociable creature and doing all this sensible stuff feels like a lot of hard work and no pay off.
So, right now, I’ve been diagnosed – just under two weeks ago – and have now fallen into a major depressive episode (i know this because I have lower back pain and an overwhelming desire to bake, or hide under a duvet), i think the icing on the cake has been the diagnosis itself. Which, as you can imagine, isn’t hugely helpful with dealing with the diagnosis etc.
Yesterday, I spent 6 hours googling furry boots. I think just because i really wanted cosy feet.
My depression can be triggered by lots of things, and extreme work stress and shocking events are two of them.
So, why has this particular episode happened? Well, I took on a job back in June, which has turned out to be a high stress position run badly in a way that limits profit and puts stress on staff and the boss. This, combined with my partner’s OCD behaviours, the commute, a lack of self care, wild behaviour and a very, very tragic death, has led to this episode. A month ago today, I was walking on the common and just sobbed. Not in a cute ‘watching a movie -tear drops rolls down the cheek way’ but from the gut. a wailing, like it was too hard to keep going, like I was trying to walk through something immensely painful.
I then sobbed and wailed all over mat, and scared the shit out of him – like i had a weird demon suddenly pop out of me. And in all this drama, I managed to message my godmother, who herself has struggled with mental health issues. It was this and only this that brought things to the crisis point.
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
For ten years I have found things harder than many (although i know many, many people with mental health problems). When I first worked in an office, I had terrible stiff neck pains and disassociaiton… i remember colleagues getting me a special chair. then, once i realised what it was, it became a sort of secret. One I had to wade through to keep jobs in campaigning and then sort of keep jbs in journalism. but as things got progressively worse and worse, the cracks started showing and things got harder to maintain…
more on the work later, perhaps (it’s hard to think about it now), and on to the matter at hand. Before I deal with acceptance – which could be the name of another post, comes getting myself moving again. enough that i can start to enjoy christmas perhaps.
As I have said, my 33rd birthday is in two days, so let’s see what we can do! The medicaiton wont kick in for another month or so, so it’s up to me.
So let’s see how today goes
Achievement – got up
bath
shaved legs
body scrub
brushed hair
listened to wholesome podcast (just made me jealous of fearne octton’s success”.
Bought fish oil online.
Medication? only half. must have breakfast take rest and brush teeth.
oh, and drink water.
and work. euuugh work. groooowl. infact, I just freaked out about my work load and snapped at mat. I’m going ot take a lorazepam (expressly against doctor’s orders, but it’s better than being so wrought with fear that you can’t work at all and miss all your deadlines) and see what’s on at the cinema.
This morning, I have started an ‘action plan’ – something I have used before, which is very helpful.
Acceptance
birthday
