The last week? three days ago, I had a meltdown and couldn’t stop crying (about work) for three hours, at least. And then, since then, we went to the cinema, which was uplifting. We had a complicated day out for my 33rd birthday – a lunch out, a psych appointment with my father and mat and then a dinner with my friends in the evening, which was wonderful and emosh and lots of toasts and love.

Then, yesterday, I was exhausted and a bit hungover and snappy as hell. Anxious. It was the booze in part, I could feel it. So i started to feel snappy and anxious and bit low… but not as slow and depressed as the previous few weeks when i had felt proper depression. i had been grinding to a halt. trying to work felt agonising. almost painful . my joints ache. i feel fatigued. aversion to light. acne etc… just horrible and slow and anxious too. not great.

Dad today said that mat and i are bickering a lot. and i know that. it’s super unpleasant and with the illness makes me feel like i just want to give up. have i married the wrong man? do i need to leave him to actually be happy? should i have married someone else? would anyone else even take me as i’m so fucked up?!

He said- you are going to have to work on it so hard… great. thanks for that uplifting thought. I do know all this. right, done a bit of work (i mean i’m super behind and anxious about it, but just can’t face doing it properly… eugh). I just want to cry and be alone and pack up now, but dad’s still here. it’s all a bit much

and now, partyl due to mat and partly his family, I think i would like to stay in cyprus for a bit in the new year… i don’t think i can do it.

D