Hi Dad,
I have been thinking of you a lot today with the Iran stuff. Stay away from Juffair… not joking. do you guys have to go there at all? Hope the atmosphere isn’t too fraught. Let me know what’s going on as and when…
All has been dramatic in a different way here, with the job going etc. But it seems to be calming down now…I am sitting here drinking my lime cordial and vaping away. Quite a change from this time last year, I’d imagine. This whole thing/the diagnosis, has really made me feel much more able to deal with things properly, as now I think people understand that it’s serious and that I’m not just making a fuss. I always thought people saw me as a bit of a drama queen, but actually I was just dealing with a swerving mind… In fact, I think I did pretty well managing to at least build some kind of career, marry a very decent man and now that I’m getting a bit of perspective I can see that I live in a lovely house with lovely animals. So, I’ve done alright really. And, if I deal with this properly and the medication works, I think I’ll find life a lot easier. It has been a bit of a struggle, I think I can mark the real escalation as when I was at Spear’s… Apparently it’s common for it to come on in your thirties.
So it’s not all bad! It is a bit of a struggle not having my calming glass of wine in the evening, and I’m not seeing many of my friends this month, as they are all in the pub(although some are coming out here for dog walks or I’m meeting them for lunch or a coffee when I’m in town)! I think, in a bit, I’ll be fine to go back to the socialising, which I love, but in moderation – you’ll understand more than anyone that it keeps you buoyant… and I do get ‘energised’ by friends and family. But, I’ve always had a habit of overbooking myself, so I’ll just have to pare things down. I think that makes sense.
Taking the work stress down feels like the hardest part, bizarrely. I feel like a bit of a failure tbh. I have a quick brain and I really would have the capacity to do all sorts of things, if it wasn’t for this illness. I genuinely don’t think I’ll be able to do a high powered full time job in London again, which was always my aim, so getting my head around that is hard. However, I have Muddy stilettos starting in March – I cannot say how relieved I am to have that ahead of me. And, if I do well at that, it might well lead to more work past the 12 month contract. So, it’s not all bad. I have some ideas re. working in an ‘office’ in harpenden, which would give me routine and social interaction. Roger (who had depression, too) used to do it in Oxford and he said it worked really well for him. Until then, we’re just going to have to keep the purse strings nice and tight. It is amazing how little you can live on when you are working from home!
So, at the moment, I’m trying to get some routine going until then. I’m working on Ettinger (got a bit of work each month from them for the foreseeable, which is great) in the mornings and then going to the gym, walking the dog and doing wholesome things in the afternoon. Hopefully, this low key approach will help, and I’ll be ready to work full time again come March. Fingers tightly crossed.
The new medication does give me a slightly more settled feeling and I’m not feeling as low, which is great. I’ve got my sense of humour back and a bit of perspective, and I’m not crying lots… but then, I’m not really under any stress, and I’m still on the antidepressants, too. So I can’t tell what is working, if anything, if you know what I mean. But, ultimately, I feel better than before Christmas, which is positive.
We are going to Norfolk for a shoot this weekend and are actually swinging by Ryston for a cup of tea with Sarah and Louisa on the way home… intrigued. Then the following weekend we’re in Dorset for a long weekend, and are going beating again. Lots of country pursuits! All very jolly and wholesome. Beating really is a great day out, striding across the fields definitely gets the endorphins going. And it’s so great working Juno – she really comes alive, and just loves it. Quite a lot of work to do on her, though, as she’s only about 60% trained. Next season…
OK , well I’m going to go and watch the news now and get caught up with things. Hope this gives you a better idea of what’s going on here. It’s easier for me to write this stuff down, as you might imagine, than saying it on Skype. I’m trying to keep track of things by writing stuff down. It helps.
But maybe we could chat on Friday, if you’re home at all?
Love you lots,
Sophsxxx
